-everyone in the entire world has agreed that carlos mencia isn't even close to funny, right? why is there any more talk of it. that dude is about as funny as seven dead rats on your pillow. no.

-do you know what the "midnight riders" are? i'm sure if you live anywhere else in LA its reference to some clique of ass-sex lovin' group of faggots, and it is here too, except here they have stupid haircuts and  ride their stupid bicycles at night. and talk about it incessantly because they have absolutely nothing else going on n their lives. fuck, those people suck. they ride in the middle of the street, don't brake, and act like smug little bitches because they ride ridiculous bicycles with cards in the spokes. jesus, who the fuck cares if you ride your bike and where? grow the fuck up. dang. worst bunch of hipsters ever. can we all just agree that those people suck?

-thank you. geeze.

-maui rules and i wanna go back this minute. dave touched a turtle's butt while we were snorkeling and that rules. shut up, it does too.

-cocaine is a halluva drug.

-ray is getting real close to being a dad.

-haven't heard from donny miller in about a million years. what happened to that guy. up and got married and now he can't talk to his buddies. so sad.

birthday weekend is coming up and it will be an extra-ganza.

thursday night dave and i are having fancy dinner in downtown LA. at cicada. if you love that place, tell me all about it because i'm excited.

friday night i'll be drinking in chinatown at hop louie. i am looking at your, cookesters.

saturday we're having dinner at vertical wine bar in pasadena and then we'll probably end up at lucky baldwin's nearby or jakes, where i will destroy everyone in the whole world at pool because i am always the most coordinated after i've had seven bottles of wine. truth!

sunday, drinking at the red lion in silverlake? we'll see if i can still stand up.

monday, i recover. maybe in someone's pool...

tuesday i go to work, full of hate... and then wednesday i leave for maui. yussssss!!!!!

who's around? i wanna see you? i'm buying a new phone this week because i think i lost the war with sprint. i'll be able to not answer it in real life now. woooooot. 

-4-day tania birthday extraganza is due to go off this week. come if you'd like, stay for as long as you can.

-also, miss sharan gillespie is making art like a madwoman for her upcoming solo show in october. you may have seen her stuff at our future party or at various manufactured inspirato gatherings. i've been helping her throw down the glue and the possibilities look promising, let me tell ya.

-what are the odds the a hurricane blows through hawaii in a couple weeks?

-the "W" key on my computer is not working as i'd like it to. i basically just pound on it six times to get it to type. fucking computers. bullshit.

-went to red lobster last night. you'll hear all about it later.

-does anyone still call legs "gams?"

-the battle ith sprint rages on, but i can still check voice mails.

-ray is still gay. and franny is getting bigger by the day. she's fillin' up with baby. just like jen eiss and duffy's other half. baby bonanza around here. they'll be invited to the party fest next year. i hope their not total lightweights.

- holy shit, it's back. i forgot all about it for a while, because the old baby panda is an old baby now... but now there's a new baby panda that a regular baby and it's awesome. panda cam is the best thing in the whole world and if you don't like it, i hate you forever. http://www.sandiegozoo.org/zoo/ex_panda_station.html

- i haven't heard from donny miller in forever, except for the screaming message that he left on my cell phone about killing some motherfucker or something. i have since dropped that phone in a beer and am fighting with sprint to have it replaced. what the fuck?

- birthday's coming up and so is a trip to hawaii. if a hurricane doesn't blow us away. fucking nature.

- best new tv channel ever: ovation. you should look into it because it rules.

- google ofr you: tree kangaroo. do it.

-Melvins are playing tonight at the Troubadour, dudes. Don't be a dick, go.

-My trip to Hawaii is way too far off. What's up with that? I just got back from Vegas... and I am spending far too much time working and doing every day stuff. I want to be on an endless vacation.

-What should I get Dave for his b-day? A dolphin or a new bass? It should be obvious, huh?

-That Dave gave me a ring and we're getting married? Yeah, old news, huh?

-Weiss is having a bay girl. I wanted him to name her Patrice. He's thinking Reese. His wife, is having none of it.

-Donny's getting married soon too. It must be in he air.

-Peace to you and your bald ass granny.

-Me and the old man are staying in a haunted hotel this weekend. Report to follow.

-And here's the news on Ray and Fran: Franny's pregnant. Ray gave her a baby. And then Ray got a blog. http://rayandfranandbuttermaker.blogspot.com/ Go say hi.

-Skinema is shipping, so check www.chrisnieratko.com to buy one.

-I'm gonna go hang out in Ojai with some chickens and the Englands.

-I got some big news about Ray Gordon, but I'm keeping things quiet until I get the okay to broadcast it. It might have something to do with scarves. Or haircuts.

-I bought a new BBQ and it kicks so much ass.

-Who ever promised you a moonbeam? Or a TV show?

-To you suckahs that actually celebrate it.

-Ray Gordon is coming into town soon. With his wife, Fran. And they'll be staying at my house. And then we're all gonna go hang out with Dave and Joanna England and get stupid.

-Got my copy of Mr. Nieratko's book, Skinema. It's delightful collection of past works and even has pretty pictures in it. You gonna love it. Or I gonna punch you.

-I work all the damned time now. Seriously. It's pretty lame, but also hella sweet because I get to buy tons of vacations for me and the old man. And we have all kinds of cash for our mortgage and stuff. But it's mostly vacations. At haunted hotels with private beaches. No shit. My boss pays me to make him short-handed.

-Clyde is back in Florida, I think? Haven't heard from him in a while.

-Russell is in Canada celebrating Jew Easter. Religious holidays are for saps and Canada is horrible, but I'm sure him and his family are having a gay old time.

-Dave is writing furiously. Mostly about our dog. And the new credit card that we have... together. I can't decide what I should buy with it first.

-He's not really writing about our credit card, I just wanted to muse on what I wanna buy with it.

-And lastly, Jeff Tremaine is finally tying the knot with his sweetie, Laura. In Georgia. Word to your moms.

-Chris's wife is off the pill. I guess that made him want to start his own website so he'd have something to talk about too. Go look at it. It's at www.chrisnieratko.com

-Go.

-I had stuff to tell you guys, but I forgot what it was. Sucks for all of us.

-I've had two dogs at my house for the weekend. they rule.

-Saw the Melvins on Saturday. If you didn't see 'em on Friday or Saturday - too bad, so sad.

-I didn't win the lotto last night. Dang.

-Happy Valentine's Day, dawgs. My boss gave me Godiva chocolates, my dude made me a breakfast sandwich, and my work homies are filling me full of candy and heart stickers.

-Don't worry guys, Steak and BJ Day is exactly one month away (funny, because most days are Steak and BJ Day, as far as I know, but whatever). Dave forgets about Steak and BJ Day every year, without fail. It's a shame that dudes always forget dates and anniversaries, eh? It's time you started remembering more than your own birthday and you might even get rewarded on your own fake holiday. Thillies!

-Beckett has taken to getting sprayed by skunks. Twice in one month. So awesome, ya'll.

-Dave and I went on a cruise to Mexico. I fucking played bingo and shuffleboard and watched old ladies dance all sexy. It was awesome.

-I started my cruise off with a quick screw and a hot dog and then I finished it with an $800.00 bar tab and a hangover. You don't even know how awesome I can be sometimes. Seriously, you have no idea.

-This picture isn't from our cruise. I just found it online (and I'm stealing it from whatever site it's from because I post from work and I don't care about bandwith or internet manners) and think it's more awesome than any picture we took the entire week. Bam.

-Look at how amazingly coy that chubby dude in the front is. He's all sweaty and pale. Meow!

-Don't think I didn't notice that awesome old dude either. There just isn't enough time in the world to type out all of the jokes. Do your own work for once. Why am I always the one who's gotta make the funny? You guys are so lazy sometimes, f'real. It's unacceptable. Maybe you should go sit in the corner and think about what you did.

-It's almost SXSW time again and I ain't got money for plane tickets because I done spent it on a boat. Lame, dawgs.

-I'm fairly certain the 24 hour free food bonanza on the boat gained me about ten pounds. I bought a scale at Ikea and it is my new worst enemy.

-Ray's been up to redneck activities in the pacific northwest.

-Chris's new shop opened up in Jersey. Go there or be square.

-Whalecock's back. Woot.

-Russell is surely up to something sinister, but it doesn't consist of bothering me, so I'm just gonna let that dog lie.

-Whitey sent us three bottles of hot sauce (two after one broke all over the other ones in the mail) and a bottle of Future cologne. It smells like the future.

-Valentine's day is comin' up. ya'll. Better get someone something or whatever. If you don't have a someone, don't be one of those bitter assholes who's all anti-Valentine's Day. No one is actually PRO Valentine's day, it's just an excuse to hump and kiss and stuff so just let people do that without announcing to the world that you're too much of a loser to have someone that lets them stick your dick into them (or that wants to stick their dick into you. Whatever. Geeze, no wonder you don't have a dude, you uptight old cow).

-Just kidding, babies.

-What'd ya'll do on your summer vacation?

-So New Year’s was nice. We ate, we drank, we monkey-ed… I kissed my dude at midnight and then drank into the wee hours. There was karaoke at my house too. Thanks Lorene, it sounded amazing. Do you smell that? What’s that smell? It smells a little ike sarcasm to me, but I’m not sure. Anyways, did you know that Dave karaokes? Yeah, me neither? When I woke up everyone was gone, so it was all sort of like a dream. Oh, and no one made black eyed peas or collared greens, so I guess this year’s gonna be fucked, but whatever. I’m waiting on everyone else’s updates from across the country.

-The Rose Bowl is a “big deal” this year. Much like it is every year. I’m not really into it this time around, because my whole life Michigan has been in the Rose Bowl. Whoop De Doo! It just doesn’t matter. Whatever. There were these asshole Michigan people at the wine bar that Dave and I were at in Pasadena the other day. Just a total dick family wearing their Michigan t-shirts trying to eat at a nice restaurant in the midst of the busiest restaurant time ever.  They got all huffy when they didn’t get seated immediately, despite the fact that there were no seats for them. I’m sure they’ll go home talking about how shitty LA is. “Oh my god, those snobs are all fake assholes there because they wouldn’t seat me at a crepe restaurant within five seconds of my arrival. Dicks!” They made me hate Michigan. Or Michigan fans, I guess. They just sucked. So fuck Michigan. I don’t care for UCLA or the Rose Bowl or football in general, but if someone tries to strike up a conversation about, I have an opinion now. My opinion is: Fuck you Michigan. Go to Denny’s.

-I watched the fuck out of USC and UT last year thought. I’ll even argue the crappy calls with you. USC should have won, assholes. If you disagree you are dumb. Dummy. Yeah, you big, fat dummy. How does it feel to be so dumb?  

-I tried calling Ray Gordon, like, a thousand times at midnight and his phone was busy. Who even has busy signals anymore? Ray, dude, what the hell? Caleb and I just wanted to sing Haircut 100 songs to you. He’s always the most popular boy at school. It’s a good thing he already signed my yearbook.

-Did you know that Stealth Bombers fly over the Rose Parade route every year? Yeah. They do. And they scare the living shit out of the attendees, pretty much, every year. Woo. Go America!

-Ugly Betty Marathon is on. Aside from football, I got nothin’ else to hangover to.

-There are also 90210 reruns on the Soap Channel. I don’t even know if I have that channel, but I’ll look for it if I feel like re-living 6^th grade.

-This was one of the best things that happened in the last year. http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=1827

-My New Year’s resolution: redeveloping my bulimia, getting gigantic breast implants, and flashing my gash all over Hollywood. (The “too late” jokes have already been made. You’re late.) Or maybe I’ll get a membership at Curves? What you got goin’?

-Man, James Brown was supposed to play in NY last night. Sad, huh? But how nice was that Michael Jackson speech at his memorial? I can listen to Thriller without feeling dirty again.

-I’m feelin’ like this year I’ll get some new tattoos.

-Dave should get some tattoos, no?

-So, there’s been no blog for a really long time. Big deal. There are really a lot of other things to do and look at so stop being feisty and grow up.

-But f’real, I miss you all too. Your emails and messages are appreciated. Mostly because when I was wasting my days finding silly links and typing nonsense, it meant that I wasn’t in an office hating life. I was in my awesome house with my dog, cat and dude hating life. Big difference.

-So yeah, your emails and messages are appreciated.

-Have you guys seen Apocalypto? Was it not the most amazing pile of shit you’ve ever seen? Oh man, was that movie awful and historically inaccurate. I got wasted on whiskey and just marveled at the ridiculousness for two hours.

-Nieratko opened up a new shop in Jersey, just so you know. I figure some of you folks have extra Christmas cash burning holes in your pockets, so… you know, you could like, go spend it there. Or at the Lowbrow Emporium in Austin, if you’re in that neck of the woods. The Roaches own that place and they’ll take good care of you.

-A little FYI for Y –O-U: This is not a message board. I know that it would be easy to assume that it is even though it’s not called a message board and there’s no type of “forum” activity on this site anywhere at all, but I just wanted to clarify.

-Wanna know what I got for Christmas? I know you don’t but I’m gonna mention one thing anyways because I can. A ring from Tiffany & Co, fags.

-And a pretty sweet casserole dish.

-I’ve been playing a lot of pool and working on my gut. I bought a cruise to Mexico for Dave and am getting really gung-ho about fixing up our house. Otherwise, I’m still the same old saucy wench I always was. But enough about me, let’s talk about the dudes. Beckett got a leather jacket. It’s hot. Gary’s basically the same, which means he’s a total dick.  Dave is working as a night watchman at the Glendale cemetary, and has become highly interested in voodoo and zombies. We’ve adopted several chickens for sacrificial reasons. I’m pretty sure he’s planning on trying to resurrect Walt Disney, despite th fact that he only has ashes to work with.  Nieratko has been dressing up as a clown, bunny,  chicken, vampire, thing for children’s birthday parties. I’m not sure if he’s actually getting paid for it, but it seems to make him happy. Ray joined the proffesional rodeo circuit, but broke his foot in a calf roping accident so now he spends his days feeding the horses and jacking off bulls. Russell is training to be a pearl diver and I hear he’s been stung by not one, but two sting rays and lived to tell everyone that Steve Irwin is a fag. Last I heard from Clyde he was planning on running for office. I think his chances are good.

-Happy New Year. I’ll start posting random nonsense here and there from the Future family so that you can continue living vicariously through us or stalking us or hating us or whatever it is that you do. ‘Til then, stop being a  dick.